Peine d’amour

I am floating

Tumbling around 

Empty space 

As my body contorts 

Reaching for something 

To cling onto,

My mind 

Reverts to you

Playing the samples

Of your voice inside my head.

I swear I hear your laughter

Deep and hearty 

I close my eyes and picture 

The shape of you’re bare head 

Your bristling cheeks

As my hand moves down your jawline

I twist my body around

As if my chest was to your chest

And let out a breathless gasp

As I remember the feeling

Of your hand spanning the side of my hip

All those nights ago 

When we were alone

In the bed of your truck

Far off in the distance

I feel the weight of nothingness

Begin to collapse my chest

My eyelids feel heavy

Sleepily resisting my 

Effort

To see the darkness

My mind begins to slip

And with it

The warmth of your body

And the thumps inside my chest

A last spasm 

There goes my heart.

Ongoing today

I feel so empty 

Sometimes I’m happy

But it never lasts long

With rope burns on my neck

Raise with me your hand 

My intent for your forgiveness

This life is a mine field

And I never step 

In the right place 

Oh lord I need some drugs

Oh lord I need some drugs

I want to try 

And be better 

So I can ease my heart at night 

Lord I feel so empty

my mind always escapes

To places I cannot reach

Without my permission

I need to learn

How to stop drowning

When I know how to swim

Unknown

by Esao Andrews

how many knives are on my back

how many times have I fought back

Am i lucky to be blessed with this weak heart

Im feeling heavy with lies 

and these voices wont stop coming around 

Do i take the blade pressed against my wrist

how long do i wait to be happy before i get closer to the edge 

Im tired of this empty space, i think i’ve waited long enough 

i think ive given up all i love

and the quiet aches those words give me 

tell me its too late, your’e too far away now

These hands that hold me up 

mean nothing if I cant speak up 

I wish he would have gifted me his voice

I am his child, but where is his love

I am yanked down when everything is going well

by hands that are all too familiar 

By words engraved in my mind 

constantly reminding me im not enough 

I can feel this distance, I yearn for this distance

its something illogical but its all i can feel 

if youre reading this, will you hold me back when i need you to?

Sometimes we feel

Resonate with my brain for a moment

Hold its wrist for a second let it know its still here

If I looked like you, would it make you more inclined 

These days pass by with the wave of my hand

It always seems like I’m the only one thats different

Why do I apologize for the disease in my head

Stay with me up at the late hours of night

Let me show you the difference 

Can you tell me with certainty that it’s something to be ashamed of

Doesn’t seem like I need your help 

I’m already caught in this fragment of the world

I’ll never be like you so don’t compare me 

I’ll never be like them so don’t compare me

Now can you Hear it, now can you See it?