Unknown

by Esao Andrews

how many knives are on my back

how many times have I fought back

Am i lucky to be blessed with this weak heart

Im feeling heavy with lies 

and these voices wont stop coming around 

Do i take the blade pressed against my wrist

how long do i wait to be happy before i get closer to the edge 

Im tired of this empty space, i think i’ve waited long enough 

i think ive given up all i love

and the quiet aches those words give me 

tell me its too late, your’e too far away now

These hands that hold me up 

mean nothing if I cant speak up 

I wish he would have gifted me his voice

I am his child, but where is his love

I am yanked down when everything is going well

by hands that are all too familiar 

By words engraved in my mind 

constantly reminding me im not enough 

I can feel this distance, I yearn for this distance

its something illogical but its all i can feel 

if youre reading this, will you hold me back when i need you to?

Sometimes we feel

Resonate with my brain for a moment

Hold its wrist for a second let it know its still here

If I looked like you, would it make you more inclined 

These days pass by with the wave of my hand

It always seems like I’m the only one thats different

Why do I apologize for the disease in my head

Stay with me up at the late hours of night

Let me show you the difference 

Can you tell me with certainty that it’s something to be ashamed of

Doesn’t seem like I need your help 

I’m already caught in this fragment of the world

I’ll never be like you so don’t compare me 

I’ll never be like them so don’t compare me

Now can you Hear it, now can you See it?

Closing

What do I need to do to make this feel right?

What do I need to do to figure out this puzzle?

I’m wounded and I’m lost,  feeling like I’m still walking in the past

Why can’t I get over myself

Why can’t I move on

There aren’t enough ways to say I’m sorry

And trust me, I am so sorry

I’ve been awake for years now

Trying to figure out how to fix this

It’s a scene we’ve seen before

Weeks and weeks and weeks

They feel the same, like I can’t escape you

Just here for me to know I can’t go on with this

How do I run from us?

My pulse runs the same and

You act your part just as I remember

My body doesn’t move even though I feel alive

If I need it, I’ll let you have what’s left of this existence

So I can find the answer to this extensive moment

Keeping me here, feeling like I’m senseless

I want you to feel how I felt stumbling, wordless

In the night and unable to grieve

You told me to move on

Let me close it this time

I’ll think of something clever, rip my page out of this book

and be as selfish as you say I am

Maybe this time you can find the answer.

A little light

I’m running towards you head strong

Spinning faster than i can breathe

Into this world, followed by those behind me

And I’m just trying to picture who I should be

But every time I feel a little less close

Like a lily without a pad, floating mercilessly in the deep blue sea

Relying on the branches to pull me

Every step gets heavy

Waiting for something to happen

Waiting for myself to come out

Waiting for a light in the dark

The life to this is gone

What do you do when the sun sets on the wrong side

Where is my oracle, this must be a mistake

How do we move without crossing the lines

This doubt that fills me, it’s set in stone

Where is the mapmaker, where is my road

Searching for a strong hold

Hold me down to what I know

Slowly out of this cage

Waiting for a light in the dark

Wishing I can hide, just to cut the tied

Waiting for the tides to roll out

Waiting for my route

Waiting for a light in the dark